Provision, and tithing even when it's scary!

 God always provides for the needs of His Children.  

I for some reason have a really hard time trusting that, even though I've seen Him provide for me over and over again!  

I've already talked about losing my father when I was a child, but it gave me a unique opportunity to see God provide as my heavenly father.  He put special men to step in when dad should have been there.  I remember in elementary school there was always this event called Donuts for Dad, and Senior McCrary my Spanish teacher would be my father figure those days!  (I wish I could remember a lot more of the Spanish he taught!) 

In high school, my junior year, I was struggling with depression, and I went to a Young Life club and the leader suggested I go to Pioneer Plunge that summer.  I prayed about it and it seemed like that's where God was leading, even though I'd miss World Changers with my church, it seemed God wanted me at Pioneer Plunge.  I was really excited. But it was a lot of money, way more than I'd ever needed for a camp... (I would use my babysitting money to pay for camp usually but this was like 4 times the cost!) So, I prayed about it, and helped a woman iron some laundry one day, and she paid for it for me!  

Pioneer Plunge shaped me deeply.  It's funny, going was a leap of faith.  I knew no one else going.  There were two other people from my high school going and I didn't know them they were a year older than me, everyone else went to other schools.  I didn't know what to expect.  I knew it was a wilderness camp and I had to have a backpack and wilderness gear.  I knew no electricity.  The ice cold showers were a shock quite literally :)  But, you know, I loved it.

Maybe most powerful thing was after every meal, we'd set aside... I think 30 minutes, for someone to share their story.  We'd just listen for 20 minutes and then ask questions.  

People were honest, and real, about deep things.  I'm not sure if there was something about being in the wilderness with no makeup and such to mask everything, but people were raw with their emotions.  

I remember knowing when the person before me was going to choose me to go up there and speak.  I have this thing where, if you know me, I just tend to cry when I speak in front of people.  It drives me nuts, I don't know why I cry so much I just do.  

But I got up there and tears started flowing.  There were broken parts of me I didn't realize.  The sting of having lost my dad was very real.  The sting of having a handicapped mom was very real.  The sting of loneliness was real.  That year my best friend had decided to go to another school and obviously we weren't in classes together or talking as much, and that was hard.  

And I did hide my pain from most.  I doubt friends in youth group knew I struggled with loneliness and depression.  I was always happy and laughing and fun to be around!  But I didn't really felt known. 

At Pioneer Plunge, with 20 some strangers, I felt known.  They just listened, and listened to me confess and cry.  It was so... all kinds of walls came down.  

After that... I felt a little odd ball-ish back at youth group.  And at school.  I don't know, I just feel I never really belonged in any one group of friends and then missed out on knowing people intimately. It was weird I felt 20 strangers knew me better than everyone else in my life!  

I'd enjoyed Young Life before, but it was then that I knew that those leaders knew some things about developing deep community that I really craved.  And obviously they were passionate about sharing the Gospel with high school kids that needed Jesus.  

I didn't get though, how could strangers know me so intimately and close friends feel so far away! 

I can't complain though, God has always provided community for me!  Seriously, I did love my youth group, and I loved my journalism friends at school... 

Obviously though my heart had developed for Young Life.  It's a beautiful ministry bringing the Gospel to high school kids that would not normally go to church but need Jesus!  So I decided to go through Young Life training and become a leader in college!  

Freshman year at college was rough... again I felt I didn't belong anywhere.  Had some close friends but not really a best friend who knew me deeply.  So struggled with depression.  Even got on Prozac I think, and my roommate said she thought it did help I seemed happier, so... chemical imbalance is real, sometimes meds are okay, but sometimes problems are spiritual and need deeper than a pill can go. 

I was a total... not nice person to my roommate the first half of the year.  I don't know why I was so ugly and resentful of her... well... actually when I think about it I do know - she actually had friends!  Maybe if I hadn't been a nincompoop we'd have been good friends too, she was really cool and had a neat testimony.  And... even though I hadn't been the nicest roommate, when I had a cyst on my birthday and had to have it drained and was in the ER, she picked me up and even bought me a birthday cake!  That was a painful birthday quite literally... never want a cyst again, especially where that one was!  And I was too embarrassed to tell other friends what was wrong, they'd even planned a surprise party for me that I missed because I was in the ER!  Maybe people wanted to know me I just didn't know how to open up.  

I found a really sweet community with Young Life though, especially when I was put on a team.  It was this cool bond of believers that were all on a mission together to share the Gospel at a specific mission field, Northern... God put me on that team for many reasons I think.  

I loved all those friends, and the kids at the school... I can't tell you how much being on that team meant to me.  Even now that I think about it, I get teary eyed with tears of joy to have known such delightful friends that season.  

We did that thing again, before every club we did with the high schoolers, we'd meet together to pray for the club meeting, and someone would share their life story.  Actually, for some reason it was only the older teammates that shared, maybe we ran out of time for everyone to go, we had a bigger team... although I did share a good chunk of my story with everyone individually, especially Caroline.  I don't know why she loved me so much, but I kinda loved her back too... then it grew into unhealthy idolatry, I have this problem with idolizing friends... but she's really special to me. I wish I'd kept up with her.  She lives... I don't even know where now!  She married her sweetheart she'd dated some in college... I remember in college she'd seemed in love with him, but then felt God very distinctly tell them to end the relationship at that time, and I didn't understand, but she was confident that's how the Holy Spirit was leading her even though she did love him.  Apparently they had to grow in new ways apart from each other before the Lord would bring them back together.  

Another reason God put me on that team was to help me find my church family through college.  I knew it was important to have a church in college but visited and visited and didn't find anywhere that seemed a good fit.  Then my teammate Geren, he talked about how much he loved his church and said I could visit with him, and I did, and it was like immediately I knew this was my church home.  Homestead Heights.  I went to the college class and really liked the teacher, he was cute and passionate and loved Jesus, but then I realized he was totally married!  Haha!  Of course all the good ones get taken!  Actually they have a really fun love story, too, but they've probably written about it in their own book... but maybe the next year, he was called to be the senior pastor of the church... and led the church to adopt a new name, and I really feel God has blessed that church... some of you may have heard of it, The Summit Church in the RDU area?  They've got many campuses now... and J.D. really is a good pastor, I still listen to his sermons a lot even though I don't live there anymore... and Veronica is really cool too!  I knew them B.C. - before children! - so I'm sure their lives have changed in so many ways now! But... yeah... I loved them.  And I loved everyone at the church and got involved in helping with the high school ministry there, and even helped chaperone a mission trip to East Asia with 11 amazing high school students who were wise beyond their years to have been trusted to do that.  I went with them to East Asia the summer between my sophomore and junior years of college.  That was totally God's provision as well.  First of all, I didn't think I'd be going even, it sounded cool but they already had enough adult chaperone until one young woman dropped out and they asked me to go!  Then, I had to raise support and I am not good at that.  Thankfully God still provided for me to get to go, it was a miracle.  

Those kids were amazing and bold and zealous to share the Gospel - even more than me!  I regret I hadn't been more bold in really sharing the Gospel more with the kids I was with.  I got scared.  And maybe felt I'd cry too.  But maybe that's just me.  Maybe I cry a lot.  Maybe that's okay, and I need to be okay with that.  

So God provided for me... I'm going to break this into a few posts, this one's long enough, so TBC... but what triggered it is, last year I neglected my tithing, and maybe that's why my jobs all failed, I don't know... but I was so convicted and remorseful I even broke down crying to my mom when I was putting up the Christmas tree that I hadn't given to God, and feel I had stolen from Him.  A lot of people don't take tithing seriously, because it doesn't say give a tenth in New Testament, but that's because the apostles assumed believers would be giving above and beyond, sacrificially, until it actually cost them everything, even out of their poverty they gave, they gave when they didn't have.  So... God convicted me, and when I started going to MFM, I knew I had to give!  My first gift, my I forget what they call it, first fruits, I think you give your whole month's income to the Lord... and I'm embarrassed to say my first pay check was a mere $17.00 from Harris Teeter, but I also got the stimulus money, so I tithed the stimulus money and gave the $17.00.  Now, if you know what financial mess I'm in, you know that's a big deal/leap of faith.  I'm in debt up to my eyeballs.  But I really feel you give to God first whatever He provides, part of being a good steward with all He gives.  So... it was a small gift... but it seemed right to do, like this is what I need to do.  I know right now I need to sell some of my books and give the money to the church (I offered to give the books to them but I think they just study the Bible so offering the money I get from them seems better to do...) but I say that to say, yesterday when they asked for tithes and offerings, I checked my bank account, what my check had been... it wasn't pretty.  I didn't make that much, but I had made $195.08... and all that was left in my account was $20 something, but I knew I had to give, so I sent $19.50 and prayed for a miracle, I need a lot of those right now... but about an hour ago, my mom said her CNA had something to give me, so I went in, and she'd bought a purse I had for $20.00 a few weeks ago but hadn't paid and felt today like she was reminded to pay, and gave me a $20.00 bill!  Totally unexpected, and I knew it was a blessing for having been faithful.  Listen I don't care what kind of mess you've gotten yourself into, give 10% to God first before everything, and then get out of debt quick so you can give more!  You're storing up for yourself treasures in heaven where moth and rust do not destroy... give what you can, give to your church, give to ministries, there are so many - want to give Bibles to people in places where it's illegal, do it, want to support a child or a family, do it!  God will take care of your needs I promise, even when you don't see it.  But prevent getting into debt in the first place... I know better, I've just made some poor decisions, God is using it all but I'm in a pickle for sure.  But this is to encourage you.  God will provide what you need. Give everything you can away for the Gospel.  We've been blessed as a nation for a reason, we need to give way way way way way way more... we need to give until it hurts.  That should be one way we stick out to the world, we give everything away.  :)  Be crazy like me, please!  Give, and then give more.  You'll be free!  Sacrifice, if it means you don't go to CFA a few weeks, give up CFA, you'll be blessed!  If you really need CFA go work there you get a free meal every shift and they're probably hiring!  :)  Then you'll be making money and have more to give!  It's a beautiful thing to give and see God provide!  It becomes part of your testimony!  Some of you don't know how to share your testimony, but it's easier than you think, talk about God providing for you a savior when you need one, and anything else He's provided!  :)  Get crazy and give everything away!  Jesus talked about selling everything for the pearl of great price and the treasure in the field.  Do it.  I promise you won't regret.