Moment of clarity of God's Direction, Feeling in His Will, but also Realizing His Will is Bigger than Me

I thought of God's will as something to discover for a long time. I remember in college, seeking after God's will of direction, especially with what to do after I graduated. My plans had fallen apart. But thankfully God did have other good plans for me.

 

By my junior year in college, I had decided to do the journeyman program with the IMB. The journeyman program is where young college graduates commit to going overseas for two years to share the Gospel. I was going to go overseas a few years to gain missionary experience, come back for grad school and get my masters in counseling, and then go back on the missionary field to minister to missionaries to keep them on the field. Seems like a good plan, right? Well thought out. I thought my future was so clear. But then, during the vision weekend, my heart changed. Sort of, at least. 

 

So, the IMB invited me to, I'm not sure what they called it, but it was kind of like a vision weekend, to get a better picture of what being a missionary would be like, and confirm that God was really leading me down that path. They held up a mirror for me to gaze into and see, in my heart, was I really ready to commit to two years overseas? It would be hard. There would be culture shock. My issues would follow me. I was still healing in my heart from the ups and downs I'd had in school.  Maybe I wasn't ready to go.

 

The truth was, I was very uneasy about going. There was a check in my spirit telling me, no. Don't go. The time is not right for you to go. I had no peace. I couldn't sleep. I kept wrestling internally, telling God, my plan was good! What else would I do if I let it go? But when I did finally relinquish my plan in prayer, when I surrendered and told God I would wait, I felt an immediate peace over my decision, and was relieved, even though I had no clue what I would do next. I hadn't applied to grad school so that was out. I needed something that would give me good experience before heading to grad school. I still wanted to do missionary care. But what job would give me the experience I was looking for?

 

I remembered having a conversation with Drew Hill at Calvary, I guess over Christmas, after Elevate. He was asking me and Alexandra what our plans were for after graduation. He told her Mission Year would be a great experience, and then he told me journeyman would be hard. He then suggested going where he was going, the Dale House Project, in Colorado Springs! It was working with at risk youth, and would be a great in between experience from college to grad school. The conversation planted enough of a seed in me for me to start investigating, what exactly was the Dale House Project?

 

I went to the website to start learning about the possibility. It was a year long training program, working with at risk youth, teaching them independent living skills, in the context of a Christian community. I would take seminary classes while there for free, would live there, not even need a car, would get to love teenagers who had possibly never known the love of Christ. I began my application process immediately. 

So, the staff there do request their applicants to come out and visit the program before they make a decision to offer the position to them. And I remember trying to get a plane ticket on late notice, freaking out because of the costs. But I sucked it up, bought the plane ticket, and headed to CO to learn about this amazing opportunity.

 

My heart broke for the kids at the Dale House. Most of them came from broken homes, many of them had never experienced love or grace, it seemed like a sweet community to share the Gospel with them. I remember interviewing the staff, asking questions, talking with the residents, and being excited. This, I felt, is where I needed to be.

 

And, what was amazing, I had to raise my support for the program, but I felt such a call, I was like, I'm gonna suck it up and raise this support!  This is where God is calling me! And, wait for it, I felt a peace, which assured me that God was leading me there. 

 

Maybe now I can look back and see that, although my placing my faith in my subjective feelings of no peace or peace, was probably not the best way to seek God's will, and my understanding that God could use any number of experiences to draw me closer to himself, He's not bound to one specific plan. Thankfully God was working providentially. I wouldn't necessarily replicate that experience now. It was a non-moral decision, and really both options would have developed my faith in incredible ways. But I will say, going to the Dale House brought me into a sweet community of believers, who loved Jesus and also loved teenagers and were determined to share God's love with them, regardless of the cost.

 

 

Geren from my young life team went for one year before he started med school. My pastor J.D. Had gone to Indonesia for 2 years. It seemed like the best move for me.

 

I guess, well, if you're struggling like I was to discern God's will for your life, I suggest you read Kevin DeYoung's book, Just Do Something.  It really... Explains well God's will for your life. Really, His will is... To make me Holy.  The details to sanctify me are not meant to be a dart board for me to hit the bull's eye to make sure I'm doing everything exactly like He tells me. He leaves a lot of room for me to use wisdom to make my own decisions in my life. I'm not going to miss out on His blessing if I choose the wrong color car or the wrong pair of jeans.  Thank God for that!  No, His will is more simple than that.  He wants me to grow in Godliness, holiness, love, grace, humility, and the non-moral decisions He may guide me in with wisdom He's given me, but there's freedom as well. Just like, there was freedom for me to choose to go to UNC Chapel Hill for my undergrad degree. Could I have gone to USC instead? Certainly! But, my life wasn't ruined by my college choice. God taught me invaluable lessons at UNC, but He could have taught me those lessons through different circumstances as well.

 

"So here's the real heart of the matter: Does God have a secret will of direction that He expects us to figure out before we do anything? And the answer is no. Yes, God has a specific plan for our lives. And yes, we can be assured that He works things for our good in Christ Jesus. And yes, looking back we will often be able to trace God's hand in bringing us to where we are. But while we are free to ask God for wisdom, He does not burden us with the taste of divining His will of direction for our lives ahead of time." (Pg 22 of 144.)

 

That's not all though. God's will can be more specific as well... His will is for his disciples to make more disciples, as David Platt points out in his book, Follow Me.  "Every disciple of Jesus has been called, loved, created, and saved to make disciples of Jesus who make disciples of Jesus who make disciples of Jesus until the grace of God is enjoyed and the glory of God is exalted among every people group on the planet." Follow Me p.226

 

God's will is to make disciples... That means sharing the Gospel with people, praying with them, walking the life of faith in Christ with them... That's what I was excited about in the summer of 2009!  Maybe my struggles with depression were because I had lost my purpose, in my mind. I had dreamed of this supernatural plan unfolding, and the reality was very... Mundane. And I couldn't handle it, I needed more than the mundane for my life!  I needed excitement!  I needed boldness! I needed to do something crazy for Jesus like start an underground church planting movement! The thing is, when I realized that's not what was happening... I suppose I threw the baby out with the bath water. I stopped sharing the Gospel. Maybe God wasn't really at work in anyone around me anymore. Maybe my life and work didn't matter anymore. Work, yeah, well, what a joke that was. Anything that wasn't "ministry" I didn't think was worthy. I felt like I was supposed to be on the front lines of missions to be doing something worthwhile.

In one sense, my life is completely in God's will. But it could have gone a million different ways, and I could trust that He would still be guiding me in any one of them. For me, though, apparently I need to learn the hard way.